Teaching our children to obey
Deut. 6: 4 –9 “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. 5 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. 6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise."
Ephesians 6: 1-4 "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline (nurture) and instruction of the Lord."
The first five years of a child’s life are a time to introduce him to the fact that he lives in a world of authority. We have the opportunity to give our children a safe and protected place to learn that he is never in charge – that the whole universe is under God’s rule. God has given us (parents) the privilege of being one of the first human agents in his life that expresses God’s authority. God sets that out clearly in the New Testament in the two passages that give specific instructions for the family, Ephesians 6:1-4 and Colossians 3:20-21. In each of these passages He starts with asking children to be in obedience and to honor their father and mother. He declares this is right – the way He designed the system of family. God places the child in a place of safety (it may go well him and that he may live long in the land) as a result of this obedience and honor.
It will be important for us to know our child’s capabilities in the process. Does he understand what we are teaching him? From the beginning it will be up to us to teach by repeating things over and over. Our consistency will help set the boundaries so that they are knowable to the child. We will also need to know our child as we give instructions. What does he comprehend? Is his behavior coming from just being a child and what he is capable of at this age (childishness) or is he disobeying (foolishness)?
Obedience is a willing submission to parents that causes the child to do what he is told without challenging, without excuse and without delay. Honor is to treat parents with esteem because of their God appointed position. As we ask God for wisdom it will become clear when a child has gained the ability to comprehend what is required of him. At some point we will realize that he knows what we are asking but has asserted his own will and is directly disobeying. When that happens God calls us (parents) to express our authority in a way that represents God’s authority, not provoking them to anger but instead bringing them up in discipline and instruction of the Lord. Since the fall, sinners have wanted independence; that is, to be their own authority. Our little sinner is no exception and God calls us to show him from an early age how much he needs Jesus. It is only going to be “in the Lord” that he will be able to obey. As we require him to obey us, he will begin to see the impossibility to do that from the heart. As instruments of God’s redemption the parent will call him to obedience and submission to our authority and ultimately to God’s authority, and help him to see how he can’t do this in his own ability but only in the strength that Jesus gives through His Spirit.
It can start fairly simply. James 3 teaches that our mouth and what we say reflects what is in our heart. It is also true, that the words we say can direct our whole body. In these early years teaching our children to respond with words of obedience will help to direct their whole body to obey. Helping our child to learn to respond with a “yes” when he is asked to do something is a first step in connecting heart and deeds. James says it is like a rudder that directs a whole ship or a bridle that causes a horse’s whole body to respond.
Physically saying, “yes mommy” or “yes dad” is the first step in moving toward submission. Think about how this plays out in our own life. When we are struggling with rebellion against God, and finally come to the place where we say, “Ok, yes God. You are right,” we can feel the resistance begin to waver. It moves us in the direction of submitting our self to God’s way. This can start early, as soon as our child learns to say “no” we can teach him to say “yes” instead.
Self-sufficiency is the other thing that keeps us and our child from enjoying the safety provided by loving authority. This is the belief that I have everything within myself to be what I am supposed to be, so I can do what I am supposed to do. Actually God designed us to be dependent on the Creator and to be in relationship with Him - the One in authority who loves us and wants His best for us. As we teach our children to receive the commands that come down from authority, they will learn how to respectfully appeal to that authority.
Children need active discipline to rescue them from the danger of living independently from God. It will take a constant commitment to training and correction to help move them from the foolishness of wanting to be their own god. As we instill these concepts of submission and dependence in our child’s heart it will give the Holy Spirit the opportunity to work in his life.
Proverbs 22:15 and Hebrews 12 both connect painful physical discipline to changing a heart of foolishness to a heart that receives the reward of the “peaceful fruit of righteousness.” (Hebrews 12:11) God disciplines His children because He wants us to “share in His holiness.” The pain is necessary to move and nudge us to His goodness and it is also what will cause our child to begin to recognize his need for a Rescuer. The beginning of heart change happens when we accurately see our sin.
When a child exercises clear and direct rebellion to authority, it will require an event to begin that correction. Training our children takes time and effort so we should mentally prepare for an interruption of what we were doing. To protect our child’s dignity we should take him to a private place to conduct the interview. On our way there, we can take the time to interview our own heart and ask God to change it. (Check for anger, annoyance, impatience, etc.) When our own heart is seeking God and His grace, we can talk with our child about his rebellion. For a young toddler who is not yet talking it will be best to give a simple explanation of what is going on. “Mommy asked you not to throw your food. You did not listen and obey. When mommy tells you something, I want you to say “yes, mommy.” Because you did not listen, I am going to give you a discipline.”
As our child matures his communication skills will increase. Then we can begin to ask other questions to help bring to light what is going on in his heart. What is he feeling or thinking? What was he seeking to accomplish? Did he get the result he was seeking? Help him to acknowledge God’s plan of authority for him and how God designed it for his own safety. If it is clear that we are dealing with defiance or disobedience, administering the rod (the Hebrew word literally means a branch from a tree) may be appropriate. (See the Sample Event at the end of this article.) As he is experiencing tears of repentance we can immediately seek restoration by then holding, hugging and praying with him, asking for Jesus’ help and rescue. It is important to assure our child not only of our love but also of God’s unfailing love.
Godly discipline takes time and repetition. Ask God for His strength to love your child enough to take this time and the patience to consistently express that love each time your child directly and clearly rebels against authority. Ask Him for the grace to teach this little one’s heart to submit to God as he learns about life and grows in wisdom and stature.
If we are in a place where our spouse wants join in a united front with this process, then together we can ask God to give a plan that will incorporate grace. With each step we should run to God and ask Him what to do. If we just devise a plan and follow it each time, without praying, we are valuing our own abilities and stepping away from being dependent on God.
As we look at the sample plan with our spouse we can glean which ingredients God would have us incorporate with our children. It is less confusing to our children if we present a united front and are in unity about the principles of discipline, even if we use different techniques.
Ephesians 6: 1-4 "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline (nurture) and instruction of the Lord."
The first five years of a child’s life are a time to introduce him to the fact that he lives in a world of authority. We have the opportunity to give our children a safe and protected place to learn that he is never in charge – that the whole universe is under God’s rule. God has given us (parents) the privilege of being one of the first human agents in his life that expresses God’s authority. God sets that out clearly in the New Testament in the two passages that give specific instructions for the family, Ephesians 6:1-4 and Colossians 3:20-21. In each of these passages He starts with asking children to be in obedience and to honor their father and mother. He declares this is right – the way He designed the system of family. God places the child in a place of safety (it may go well him and that he may live long in the land) as a result of this obedience and honor.
It will be important for us to know our child’s capabilities in the process. Does he understand what we are teaching him? From the beginning it will be up to us to teach by repeating things over and over. Our consistency will help set the boundaries so that they are knowable to the child. We will also need to know our child as we give instructions. What does he comprehend? Is his behavior coming from just being a child and what he is capable of at this age (childishness) or is he disobeying (foolishness)?
Obedience is a willing submission to parents that causes the child to do what he is told without challenging, without excuse and without delay. Honor is to treat parents with esteem because of their God appointed position. As we ask God for wisdom it will become clear when a child has gained the ability to comprehend what is required of him. At some point we will realize that he knows what we are asking but has asserted his own will and is directly disobeying. When that happens God calls us (parents) to express our authority in a way that represents God’s authority, not provoking them to anger but instead bringing them up in discipline and instruction of the Lord. Since the fall, sinners have wanted independence; that is, to be their own authority. Our little sinner is no exception and God calls us to show him from an early age how much he needs Jesus. It is only going to be “in the Lord” that he will be able to obey. As we require him to obey us, he will begin to see the impossibility to do that from the heart. As instruments of God’s redemption the parent will call him to obedience and submission to our authority and ultimately to God’s authority, and help him to see how he can’t do this in his own ability but only in the strength that Jesus gives through His Spirit.
It can start fairly simply. James 3 teaches that our mouth and what we say reflects what is in our heart. It is also true, that the words we say can direct our whole body. In these early years teaching our children to respond with words of obedience will help to direct their whole body to obey. Helping our child to learn to respond with a “yes” when he is asked to do something is a first step in connecting heart and deeds. James says it is like a rudder that directs a whole ship or a bridle that causes a horse’s whole body to respond.
Physically saying, “yes mommy” or “yes dad” is the first step in moving toward submission. Think about how this plays out in our own life. When we are struggling with rebellion against God, and finally come to the place where we say, “Ok, yes God. You are right,” we can feel the resistance begin to waver. It moves us in the direction of submitting our self to God’s way. This can start early, as soon as our child learns to say “no” we can teach him to say “yes” instead.
Self-sufficiency is the other thing that keeps us and our child from enjoying the safety provided by loving authority. This is the belief that I have everything within myself to be what I am supposed to be, so I can do what I am supposed to do. Actually God designed us to be dependent on the Creator and to be in relationship with Him - the One in authority who loves us and wants His best for us. As we teach our children to receive the commands that come down from authority, they will learn how to respectfully appeal to that authority.
Children need active discipline to rescue them from the danger of living independently from God. It will take a constant commitment to training and correction to help move them from the foolishness of wanting to be their own god. As we instill these concepts of submission and dependence in our child’s heart it will give the Holy Spirit the opportunity to work in his life.
Proverbs 22:15 and Hebrews 12 both connect painful physical discipline to changing a heart of foolishness to a heart that receives the reward of the “peaceful fruit of righteousness.” (Hebrews 12:11) God disciplines His children because He wants us to “share in His holiness.” The pain is necessary to move and nudge us to His goodness and it is also what will cause our child to begin to recognize his need for a Rescuer. The beginning of heart change happens when we accurately see our sin.
When a child exercises clear and direct rebellion to authority, it will require an event to begin that correction. Training our children takes time and effort so we should mentally prepare for an interruption of what we were doing. To protect our child’s dignity we should take him to a private place to conduct the interview. On our way there, we can take the time to interview our own heart and ask God to change it. (Check for anger, annoyance, impatience, etc.) When our own heart is seeking God and His grace, we can talk with our child about his rebellion. For a young toddler who is not yet talking it will be best to give a simple explanation of what is going on. “Mommy asked you not to throw your food. You did not listen and obey. When mommy tells you something, I want you to say “yes, mommy.” Because you did not listen, I am going to give you a discipline.”
As our child matures his communication skills will increase. Then we can begin to ask other questions to help bring to light what is going on in his heart. What is he feeling or thinking? What was he seeking to accomplish? Did he get the result he was seeking? Help him to acknowledge God’s plan of authority for him and how God designed it for his own safety. If it is clear that we are dealing with defiance or disobedience, administering the rod (the Hebrew word literally means a branch from a tree) may be appropriate. (See the Sample Event at the end of this article.) As he is experiencing tears of repentance we can immediately seek restoration by then holding, hugging and praying with him, asking for Jesus’ help and rescue. It is important to assure our child not only of our love but also of God’s unfailing love.
Godly discipline takes time and repetition. Ask God for His strength to love your child enough to take this time and the patience to consistently express that love each time your child directly and clearly rebels against authority. Ask Him for the grace to teach this little one’s heart to submit to God as he learns about life and grows in wisdom and stature.
If we are in a place where our spouse wants join in a united front with this process, then together we can ask God to give a plan that will incorporate grace. With each step we should run to God and ask Him what to do. If we just devise a plan and follow it each time, without praying, we are valuing our own abilities and stepping away from being dependent on God.
As we look at the sample plan with our spouse we can glean which ingredients God would have us incorporate with our children. It is less confusing to our children if we present a united front and are in unity about the principles of discipline, even if we use different techniques.