Look at and discuss the following sample plan with your spouse. Talk about which ingredients God would have you incorporate with your children.
A Sample Plan for THE EVENT
(Disciplining your 12-18 month old is in italics. It is incorporated in the steps for older children so you will know where you are headed and will be able to move to those steps when he is ready.)
Have a designated place in your home that is private but close by.
First: Pray, asking for God’s wisdom in dealing with the child. If you are angry or frustrated, ask yourself these questions - What am I feeling and thinking? What did I do in response to those feelings and thoughts? What am I seeking to accomplish? Ask God to exchange your anger/ frustration for His truth about His love, His sovereignty or His forgiveness. Stay there until you have peace. This can be done on your way to the room or you can do it out loud with the child or have the child wait while you do it.
The younger child will need discipline to be quick and to the point. Still, you need to seek privacy as much as possible. Pray about at what point your child will be able to remember and understand before you choose a place that is farther away from the activity in your home.
Next: (Deal with the heart): Eye to eye, ask “What did you do/ what is going on? (Don’t ask “why” at this point.) After they have answered, ask questions that help get to what is underneath the behavior. Example:
Before a child can talk, you may want to start this routine by informing him that what he did was wrong. Example: “Billy, you pushed your brother and that was wrong. God wants us to be kind.”
Next: Ask God to give His wisdom to determine the level of discipline. Was this childishness or disobedience?
If childishness (innocent immaturity-- mistakes made because they do not yet know or understand the difference between right and wrong),
If disobedience (unwillingness to submit to parents’ authority without challenging, without excuse, without delay),
Keep asking God how to incorporate the gospel message as you talk with your child. (Keep reminding him that he can not do the right thing in his own strength but that Jesus died for that inability. Only God can give him the power to make the right choice.)
The younger child will need this to come swiftly, explaining as you go, "I asked you to say "yes Mommy" and you did not listen and obey. (Use a phrase that will be repeated over and over. "Did you listen and obey when Mommy said to say "Yes Mommy?")
Next: Explain the level of discipline to your child.
"You did not listen to mommy and I am going to discipline you."
If use of the rod: The rod should be flexible and breakable (the Hebrew word literally means a branch off a tree.)
The rod should be administered on the rear (not on the arms, face, etc.) It should be just hard enough and long enough to bring tears or see signs of repentance. (The child may need to be spanked again if he screams in anger or rebellion.)
It should not leave bruises on the child. (In the United States & Canada, professional caregivers are required to report suspected child abuse and bruises are a red flag. However, if you are using a flexible stick or a switch you should not be able to cause bruises. Welts may appear but they will not stay for long.)
Next: Comfort your child immediately. Assure him of your love, review why you disciplined him. Pray with him. Listen to him. Assure your child of your restored relationship.
Next: Evaluate. Husband and wife together should be praying and asking God:
Isaiah 40:11 "He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.
Proverbs 29:15 “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.”
Proverbs 13:24 “He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.”
Hebrews 12:7-11 "It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8 If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9 Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? 10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."
Now that you have seen the plan in full, check out the one page plan for a quick reference.
A Sample Plan for THE EVENT
(Disciplining your 12-18 month old is in italics. It is incorporated in the steps for older children so you will know where you are headed and will be able to move to those steps when he is ready.)
Have a designated place in your home that is private but close by.
First: Pray, asking for God’s wisdom in dealing with the child. If you are angry or frustrated, ask yourself these questions - What am I feeling and thinking? What did I do in response to those feelings and thoughts? What am I seeking to accomplish? Ask God to exchange your anger/ frustration for His truth about His love, His sovereignty or His forgiveness. Stay there until you have peace. This can be done on your way to the room or you can do it out loud with the child or have the child wait while you do it.
The younger child will need discipline to be quick and to the point. Still, you need to seek privacy as much as possible. Pray about at what point your child will be able to remember and understand before you choose a place that is farther away from the activity in your home.
Next: (Deal with the heart): Eye to eye, ask “What did you do/ what is going on? (Don’t ask “why” at this point.) After they have answered, ask questions that help get to what is underneath the behavior. Example:
- “What were you thinking and feeling as it was happening?
- What did you do in response?
- What were you hoping to accomplish? What was the result?
- What was important to you in that moment?
Before a child can talk, you may want to start this routine by informing him that what he did was wrong. Example: “Billy, you pushed your brother and that was wrong. God wants us to be kind.”
Next: Ask God to give His wisdom to determine the level of discipline. Was this childishness or disobedience?
If childishness (innocent immaturity-- mistakes made because they do not yet know or understand the difference between right and wrong),
- Do I need to give more instruction? (If yes, take this private moment to teach him.)
- Can natural, logical consequences be sufficient discipline?
- Do I need to separate him from the group of children? (Appropriate if you determine that part of the childishness was caused by over-stimulation.)
- Did the child hurt someone unintentionally but needs to do or say something to make amends?
If disobedience (unwillingness to submit to parents’ authority without challenging, without excuse, without delay),
- Rod of correction? Or another means of correction? Keep asking God how He wants you to deal with this offense. Note below what using the rod of correction looks like.
- Or is God calling you to offer mercy (alleviating the consequences of the sin ) and instead spend time giving instruction this time?
Keep asking God how to incorporate the gospel message as you talk with your child. (Keep reminding him that he can not do the right thing in his own strength but that Jesus died for that inability. Only God can give him the power to make the right choice.)
The younger child will need this to come swiftly, explaining as you go, "I asked you to say "yes Mommy" and you did not listen and obey. (Use a phrase that will be repeated over and over. "Did you listen and obey when Mommy said to say "Yes Mommy?")
Next: Explain the level of discipline to your child.
- Withdrawing privileges --“Because you were fighting with your brother over this toy and I want you to remember to share next time, you will not be allowed to play with it for the rest of the day.”
- Added responsibility -- “Because I want you to learn to work with a cheerful heart, I am going to give you extra work this week to practice.”
- Rod of correction -- “You disobeyed me when I asked you to come to me and because I love you and God wants you to obey so you can be safe, I am going to discipline you.
"You did not listen to mommy and I am going to discipline you."
If use of the rod: The rod should be flexible and breakable (the Hebrew word literally means a branch off a tree.)
The rod should be administered on the rear (not on the arms, face, etc.) It should be just hard enough and long enough to bring tears or see signs of repentance. (The child may need to be spanked again if he screams in anger or rebellion.)
It should not leave bruises on the child. (In the United States & Canada, professional caregivers are required to report suspected child abuse and bruises are a red flag. However, if you are using a flexible stick or a switch you should not be able to cause bruises. Welts may appear but they will not stay for long.)
Next: Comfort your child immediately. Assure him of your love, review why you disciplined him. Pray with him. Listen to him. Assure your child of your restored relationship.
Next: Evaluate. Husband and wife together should be praying and asking God:
- Was it too strong?
- Not enough?
- Was the child’s response what it should have been?
- Did we deal with his heart?
- Do I need to ask my child’s forgiveness? (Done in anger, etc.)
Isaiah 40:11 "He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.
Proverbs 29:15 “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.”
Proverbs 13:24 “He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.”
Hebrews 12:7-11 "It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8 If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9 Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? 10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."
Now that you have seen the plan in full, check out the one page plan for a quick reference.