A good book that helps with sleep learning for an older child is Sleepeasy Solutions.
Verna’s review:
This book has some wonderful information for starting sleep training learning after 4 months. They don’t consider it necessary or helpful before then but mainly because they are writing for babies that back sleep. The book offers a step by step method and a place to journal what you are doing, to help you consistently do each step.
I love that they encourage routines to help baby identify that it is time to go to sleep. These need to be something other adults can do as well, so others can help with the process when you aren’t there. All quotes will be indented and my opinions in parenthesis.
Pgs. 16-17 –
Physical activity should come before routine. (i.e. rough housing with Daddy should be done in another place before the routine starts.)
Do the routine in the same room where your child will be sleeping.
Do approximately the same activities each night or at nap time, in the same order. This is what will help your child develop sleep cues so that over time just doing the routine makes your child sleepy. Wind-down activities can include:
In this book you are encouraged to avoid having the child need you in order to fall asleep. There are lots of good reasons for that but the main one is that during the normal cycle of sleep “each child has three to five partial awakenings or arousals each night.” If a child hasn’t learned to fall asleep on his own he won’t be able to put himself back to sleep. So it is important to not let his going to sleep initially be dependent on something you do (i.e. nursing to sleep, rocking to sleep, etc.) or that is what he will want in order to be able to go back to sleep in the middle of the night.
“No-Cry” Versus “Crying it Out” (pages xvii-xviii)
Most parents wanting to make changes with your child's sleep have heard all the debate about allowing the child to cry. This has led to a lot of confusion. Some of the methods that promise "no – cry" solutions suggest to parents that their child won't ever cry. The idea is that being "gentler and more responsive" - continuing to soothe your child by patting, picking her up, holding her hand, and the like - means that she is less traumatized.
Ironically, though, parents often report that the child still cries even while they continue to attend to her; all children protest change, and the way they let us know they don't like the change is to cry. As important as it is for parents to express love to children through physical touch, and as illogical as it may seem that doing so will help a child learn to sleep is counterproductive, it is indeed the parents touch that can exacerbate a child's frustration in this scenario. The result? The child often continues to struggle with sleep, usually for weeks or even months, because she is not being allowed to learn how to soothe herself.
With older children, using touch can be especially detrimental, as it temps them to continue testing limits with you, to keep pressing until you cave in and help them to sleep. We found that when using these kinds of "hands – on" messages, parents often give up on sleep learning because it takes so long to actually get better sleep that the process itself becomes exhausting.
On the other end of the spectrum are the experts who suggests that the fastest way to help a child to sleep is that allow him to "cry it out" – in other words, shutting the door and leaving your child completely alone, crying, for as long as it takes for him to fall asleep. Also known as full extinction, this method actually does work, and sometimes quite quickly – although we have heard stories of children who have cried for as long as several hours at a stretch on the first night or two, perhaps bewildered and frightened because the usual helpers (namely, you) have disappeared. The idea of a child alone in the dark, crying inconsolably, doesn't sit right with most parents, and it doesn't sit right with us, either. It seems unnecessarily hard on both parents and child. We think experts on both ends of the spectrum are well intended, but we also believe that the so called no – cry solutions focus too much on the parent's and child 's emotions and not enough on the necessary conditions for learning, and that the extinction method focuses too much on the child's learning and not enough on the emotional side of sleep learning. This is how we arrived at what we call the "least cry" approach. So if giving your child too much help makes her cry harder and longer, and giving her two little help makes parents (and possibly the child) feel uneasy and overwhelmed, what's left? Finding a balance between allowing your child to learn how to sleep, while lovingly supporting her in the process.
Verna’s review:
This book has some wonderful information for starting sleep training learning after 4 months. They don’t consider it necessary or helpful before then but mainly because they are writing for babies that back sleep. The book offers a step by step method and a place to journal what you are doing, to help you consistently do each step.
I love that they encourage routines to help baby identify that it is time to go to sleep. These need to be something other adults can do as well, so others can help with the process when you aren’t there. All quotes will be indented and my opinions in parenthesis.
Pgs. 16-17 –
Physical activity should come before routine. (i.e. rough housing with Daddy should be done in another place before the routine starts.)
Do the routine in the same room where your child will be sleeping.
Do approximately the same activities each night or at nap time, in the same order. This is what will help your child develop sleep cues so that over time just doing the routine makes your child sleepy. Wind-down activities can include:
- A bath
- A massage
- Dimming the lights
- Playing soft music
- Diaper change and putting on pj’s
- Nursing, a bottle, or a cup of milk
- A book or song (or several of each)
- Playing quietly on the floor (no toys that beep or blink)
- With an older child talking about your day together
In this book you are encouraged to avoid having the child need you in order to fall asleep. There are lots of good reasons for that but the main one is that during the normal cycle of sleep “each child has three to five partial awakenings or arousals each night.” If a child hasn’t learned to fall asleep on his own he won’t be able to put himself back to sleep. So it is important to not let his going to sleep initially be dependent on something you do (i.e. nursing to sleep, rocking to sleep, etc.) or that is what he will want in order to be able to go back to sleep in the middle of the night.
“No-Cry” Versus “Crying it Out” (pages xvii-xviii)
Most parents wanting to make changes with your child's sleep have heard all the debate about allowing the child to cry. This has led to a lot of confusion. Some of the methods that promise "no – cry" solutions suggest to parents that their child won't ever cry. The idea is that being "gentler and more responsive" - continuing to soothe your child by patting, picking her up, holding her hand, and the like - means that she is less traumatized.
Ironically, though, parents often report that the child still cries even while they continue to attend to her; all children protest change, and the way they let us know they don't like the change is to cry. As important as it is for parents to express love to children through physical touch, and as illogical as it may seem that doing so will help a child learn to sleep is counterproductive, it is indeed the parents touch that can exacerbate a child's frustration in this scenario. The result? The child often continues to struggle with sleep, usually for weeks or even months, because she is not being allowed to learn how to soothe herself.
With older children, using touch can be especially detrimental, as it temps them to continue testing limits with you, to keep pressing until you cave in and help them to sleep. We found that when using these kinds of "hands – on" messages, parents often give up on sleep learning because it takes so long to actually get better sleep that the process itself becomes exhausting.
On the other end of the spectrum are the experts who suggests that the fastest way to help a child to sleep is that allow him to "cry it out" – in other words, shutting the door and leaving your child completely alone, crying, for as long as it takes for him to fall asleep. Also known as full extinction, this method actually does work, and sometimes quite quickly – although we have heard stories of children who have cried for as long as several hours at a stretch on the first night or two, perhaps bewildered and frightened because the usual helpers (namely, you) have disappeared. The idea of a child alone in the dark, crying inconsolably, doesn't sit right with most parents, and it doesn't sit right with us, either. It seems unnecessarily hard on both parents and child. We think experts on both ends of the spectrum are well intended, but we also believe that the so called no – cry solutions focus too much on the parent's and child 's emotions and not enough on the necessary conditions for learning, and that the extinction method focuses too much on the child's learning and not enough on the emotional side of sleep learning. This is how we arrived at what we call the "least cry" approach. So if giving your child too much help makes her cry harder and longer, and giving her two little help makes parents (and possibly the child) feel uneasy and overwhelmed, what's left? Finding a balance between allowing your child to learn how to sleep, while lovingly supporting her in the process.
Questions from a tired mom:
Q - What are some good bedtime routines for a 9 month old baby? I guess I just need to work on the timing because sometimes he's tired at 7pm and other times like 10pm. I need to get him on a schedule.
Erin's Answer - A consistent nursing/ feeding schedule will relay directly to a more consistent sleeping routine. And yes, it’s hard work, especially at this age, but helping your child learn to fall asleep independently is one of the best (and most important) gifts you can give him. There are bound to be tears, especially at first, because breaking habits is hard, but it’s really, really worth it.
So before I start, I feel like I need to ask a bunch of questions, just to get a feel for where you are and where you want to go. I hope this goes without saying, but please don't "read" anything into any of the questions, or assume that I will "judge" your answers or anything along those lines. And also, I just want to say up front that I am absolutely happy to share the techniques that have worked for me (and my sisters and many of my friends), but you are in no way obligated to try anything that makes you uncomfortable or whatever. I am 100% acknowledging that there are many different parenting philosophies and styles and you have to find what works for you and your family. That might all sound heavy, but really, I just want to help.
1. First off, feeding: are you still nursing/ bottle feeding? If so, how many times a day/ how often? (on average)
2. Are you offering any solids? If so, how much/ how often?
3. What do you use as an indicator that he is hungry?
4. What do you use as an indicator that his is tired? (in other words, what makes you decide it’s time for bed?)
5. How many naps does he take during the day? How long (on average) are his naps?
6. Do you have to rock him to sleep for naps too, or just nighttime?
7. What happens in the middle of the night when he wakes? Are you going in immediately? Do you feed him when he wakes? Or just rock him back to sleep? How long does it take in the middle of the night to get him back to sleep?
8. How many times (on average) does he wake in the night? In other words, how long does he typically sleep for each stretch?
9. Be honest here-- are you okay with allowing him to cry? I am not asking if you are okay with "cry it out", just wanting to know how you feel about crying in general...
10. Does your lifestyle allow for/ have room for/ have the flexibility for a scheduled rhythm to your day?
I am currently bottle feeding formula and he has about 5-10 bottles a day about every 2 hours.
Yes solids about 3-4 times a day every couple of hours.
He's super cranky and rubs his eyes when tired.
He usually takes 2, sometimes 3 naps, they’re so uneven -- sometimes like an hour, other time 2 hours.
Every time I have to rock him to sleep for about half hour.
I wait until he is crying and then go to him and pick him up and rock him back to sleep with a bottle.
Sometimes I put him in when he's still awake and he will just start screaming...
I'm ok with it for a few minutes but I can never just leave him for like hours
He wakes about 3 times a night about 3-4 hours.
Yes it has room for some flexibility ...
Okay, good place to start. Generally speaking, I have found that a more scheduled day, where feedings & sleeps are happening around the same time every day, you will find that the nighttime will fall into a very similar rhythm. Just for reference purposes, this is my 6 month old's "general" rhythm:
6:30-7am wake, nurse, back to sleep immediately
9-10ish wake, nurse (within 30 minutes of waking), "awake" time for about an hour to hour & a half from when he woke (including feeding time), then down for a nap around 11ish (depending on when he wakes obviously)
1:30-2 pm wake from nap, nurse, then awake time (this one tends to be more like 1 1/2-2 hrs), then down for a nap, which is usually a wee bit shorter.
4:30-5 pm wake, nurse, then awake time again -- this awake time usually ends up being his last, and I will sometimes try and stretch it out until his last feeding around 7ish.
7:30-8 pm down for the night.
Now, the last few weeks have not looked quite this "clean" as we have been battling a nasty stomach bug, and he seems to be gearing up for a growth spurt and teething really badly so he's been tending to do one more nursing around 9-10ish...
So he is nursing 5-6 times a day, roughly every 3-4 hours throughout the daytime, and sleeping 10-13 hours straight at night. I'm not telling you this to brag or whatever, just to give you a point of reference for what it can look like.
I think what would be a helpful place to start is getting his feedings on a more regular schedule. Generally speaking, breast milk takes 2 to 2 1/2 hrs to digest, formula takes 2 1/2 to 3 hrs. And the stomach is a muscle, so it needs to have times of rest, just like your leg muscles need times of rest between workout sessions. So he doesn't need to be eating any more frequently than that. And at 9 months, and since he is also taking solids, he really should be going more like 3 1/2 to 4 hours between feeds... Do you do the bottle and the solids in the same time frame? Or is it more like bottle at one time, solids at a different time? If at the same time, do you offer the bottle first or solids?
It’s all so interrelated! The thing to keep in mind is that this will take some time. There isn't really an easy quick fix... you have to change the rhythm, change the habits, gently bring him around to a new routine... he isn't going to like it, but if you stick to it and are consistent, you should start seeing some positive results in a week or two... depending on how stubborn he is.
As for the actual sleep side of things, as you might guess from my schedule, I follow the Babywise/ Baby Whisperer pattern of Eat, Awake, Sleep -- this is an important order to help him learn to sleep independently. If eating is the precursor to sleeping, then he gets to the point of needing to be fed to go to sleep. It becomes a crutch. Rocking him is also a crutch, as I suppose you've already realized, which is why you're asking for help. Rocking, in itself, is not a bad thing, to help him calm down and get ready for sleep. But the key is going to be not rocking him to sleep, just to calm & soothe, then putting him in his bed when he is drowsy and calm, but still awake. He will fuss about this, you've already said he does, but that fussing and crying is not necessarily a bad thing. It is allowing him to decompress from all the stimuli he has been encountering while he is awake -- all he sees, feels, hears, tastes, etc.
Babies need to be able to "blow off some steam" so they can turn off and go to sleep. So even working himself up to screaming isn't a horrible thing in the grand scheme of things. My son has definitely had some of those moments. Now, that being said, I would never let my kids scream for hours. I hate that everyone assumes that's what it means to "cry it out" so I don't use that phrase. I call what I do the "20 minute rule" -- giving them 20 (or so) minutes to fuss, cry, scream, wiggle, grunt, groan, do whatever they need to do to decompress. Sometimes, it takes more than 20 minutes, depending on what has preceded the sleep time. Is he overstimulated? Was there a lot going on around him prior to laying him down? Has he been awake too long? Is he uncomfortable? (gas/ teeth/ etc) I definitely find that when my son gets over tired (I'm not paying attention to the time, or we are out somewhere and I can't control the situation), he takes much longer to settle down and sometimes needs some help, like rocking, patting, occasionally nursing (if it’s close to the right time frame). So I'm not saying these aren't useful tools, they just shouldn't be the norm.
Here's the synopsis of what I'm trying to say:
Step 1: get his feeds onto a regular, consistent, more spread out schedule of every 3-4 hours. Maybe start by being consistent with 2.5-3 to start, and gradually stretch it out, as your schedule gets more solidified.
Step 2: begin the process of helping him learn independent sleep by putting him down before he is cranky, when he is just beginning to show signs of tiredness, around 1 to 1 1/2 hours after he wakes. Take him into his room, sit with him in the dark, and the quiet, talk to him gently, telling him that it’s time for sleep, and that you know he can do this. Acknowledge to him that it will be hard (for both of you) but that you love him and that you will not be far away. (How much of this he actually understands doesn't matter, it’s the soothing sound of your voice, and it’s a pep talk for you too). When he is calm and relaxed and drowsy, maybe sing him a song (I sing "Jesus Loves Me" to all my kids) and then gently, quietly, calmly lay him down in his crib. Give him a quick pat or rub on his back, and then quickly and quietly leave the room and close the door.
Set a timer for 20 minutes. You will not believe how long 20 minutes feels... you will be sure it’s been at least 20 minutes and want to rush in and save him, and then you will realize it’s been 7 minutes. 20 minutes will not damage him; he will not remember in the morning and hate you for it. He will not feel like you have abandoned him. These are grown-up emotions. Babies do not have these emotions yet. But don't go too far away... keep an ear out for his cries. He may start off fighting mad screaming and then eventually taper down to crying then settle. He may start slowly and work his way up to screaming mad. He may have a couple stops and starts, he may have a couple escalations. Any or all of these are totally normal and very okay. But if you hear a very distinct change, and it’s a concerning sound, don't hesitate to investigate. There was once that my daughter got her leg stuck between the slats of the crib and then rolled over so it was really, really stuck, and I could tell right away that she was in pain. It just sounds different. And with my youngest son, I can tell when he's pooped and he gets mad that his diaper is dirty. So there are reasons to go in.
If you get to the end of 20 minutes and there is no change in crying/ screaming, you can go in, give him some reassurance by patting/ rubbing his back, gentle shushing, or speaking gently to him that it’s okay. Try not to pick him up if you can help it. Once he is somewhat settled, go back out and start the 20 minutes again. It may take a couple times, especially at first, because he is older, and you've been doing it differently for 9 months... he's bound to be mad about the change. But he will eventually give up and go to sleep, and I bet he will sleep longer and harder than he has before. It will be tiring for you, but stick with it. If you do the same thing every time you lay him down, for naps and bedtime, he will begin to understand that this is the new "normal" and it will start taking less and less time for him to settle.
Thank you so much!! I am going to try it. I think also too a huge thing for us is that I work 4 days a week so those 4 days he is at my mom’s house until 8pm. Do you have any advice for keeping him on a schedule even when he's with her?
Yes, it’s definitely important to keep the same routine as much as possible throughout the week. As you start to figure out a routine, start writing it down. Share it with your mom and ask her to stick to is as best she can. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with her, but I know with my mom, her goal is to support what we choose to do as parents as best she can, even if it’s not the way she did it raising us... Probably the easiest thing to do for now is plan your schedule to have your son's bedtime be 8:30-9pm, to ensure that it’s not too much of difference when you are coming from your mom's. Do you work 4 days in a row, or spread out? For starting out, it would be helpful if you were able to get 2 or 3 days in a row where you are the one setting the schedule, before leaving him with your mom, but if that's not possible, just do the best you can... it may take longer for him to get into a new routine, if it’s not the same every day, but he will get it.
Erin's Answer - A consistent nursing/ feeding schedule will relay directly to a more consistent sleeping routine. And yes, it’s hard work, especially at this age, but helping your child learn to fall asleep independently is one of the best (and most important) gifts you can give him. There are bound to be tears, especially at first, because breaking habits is hard, but it’s really, really worth it.
So before I start, I feel like I need to ask a bunch of questions, just to get a feel for where you are and where you want to go. I hope this goes without saying, but please don't "read" anything into any of the questions, or assume that I will "judge" your answers or anything along those lines. And also, I just want to say up front that I am absolutely happy to share the techniques that have worked for me (and my sisters and many of my friends), but you are in no way obligated to try anything that makes you uncomfortable or whatever. I am 100% acknowledging that there are many different parenting philosophies and styles and you have to find what works for you and your family. That might all sound heavy, but really, I just want to help.
1. First off, feeding: are you still nursing/ bottle feeding? If so, how many times a day/ how often? (on average)
2. Are you offering any solids? If so, how much/ how often?
3. What do you use as an indicator that he is hungry?
4. What do you use as an indicator that his is tired? (in other words, what makes you decide it’s time for bed?)
5. How many naps does he take during the day? How long (on average) are his naps?
6. Do you have to rock him to sleep for naps too, or just nighttime?
7. What happens in the middle of the night when he wakes? Are you going in immediately? Do you feed him when he wakes? Or just rock him back to sleep? How long does it take in the middle of the night to get him back to sleep?
8. How many times (on average) does he wake in the night? In other words, how long does he typically sleep for each stretch?
9. Be honest here-- are you okay with allowing him to cry? I am not asking if you are okay with "cry it out", just wanting to know how you feel about crying in general...
10. Does your lifestyle allow for/ have room for/ have the flexibility for a scheduled rhythm to your day?
I am currently bottle feeding formula and he has about 5-10 bottles a day about every 2 hours.
Yes solids about 3-4 times a day every couple of hours.
He's super cranky and rubs his eyes when tired.
He usually takes 2, sometimes 3 naps, they’re so uneven -- sometimes like an hour, other time 2 hours.
Every time I have to rock him to sleep for about half hour.
I wait until he is crying and then go to him and pick him up and rock him back to sleep with a bottle.
Sometimes I put him in when he's still awake and he will just start screaming...
I'm ok with it for a few minutes but I can never just leave him for like hours
He wakes about 3 times a night about 3-4 hours.
Yes it has room for some flexibility ...
Okay, good place to start. Generally speaking, I have found that a more scheduled day, where feedings & sleeps are happening around the same time every day, you will find that the nighttime will fall into a very similar rhythm. Just for reference purposes, this is my 6 month old's "general" rhythm:
6:30-7am wake, nurse, back to sleep immediately
9-10ish wake, nurse (within 30 minutes of waking), "awake" time for about an hour to hour & a half from when he woke (including feeding time), then down for a nap around 11ish (depending on when he wakes obviously)
1:30-2 pm wake from nap, nurse, then awake time (this one tends to be more like 1 1/2-2 hrs), then down for a nap, which is usually a wee bit shorter.
4:30-5 pm wake, nurse, then awake time again -- this awake time usually ends up being his last, and I will sometimes try and stretch it out until his last feeding around 7ish.
7:30-8 pm down for the night.
Now, the last few weeks have not looked quite this "clean" as we have been battling a nasty stomach bug, and he seems to be gearing up for a growth spurt and teething really badly so he's been tending to do one more nursing around 9-10ish...
So he is nursing 5-6 times a day, roughly every 3-4 hours throughout the daytime, and sleeping 10-13 hours straight at night. I'm not telling you this to brag or whatever, just to give you a point of reference for what it can look like.
I think what would be a helpful place to start is getting his feedings on a more regular schedule. Generally speaking, breast milk takes 2 to 2 1/2 hrs to digest, formula takes 2 1/2 to 3 hrs. And the stomach is a muscle, so it needs to have times of rest, just like your leg muscles need times of rest between workout sessions. So he doesn't need to be eating any more frequently than that. And at 9 months, and since he is also taking solids, he really should be going more like 3 1/2 to 4 hours between feeds... Do you do the bottle and the solids in the same time frame? Or is it more like bottle at one time, solids at a different time? If at the same time, do you offer the bottle first or solids?
It’s all so interrelated! The thing to keep in mind is that this will take some time. There isn't really an easy quick fix... you have to change the rhythm, change the habits, gently bring him around to a new routine... he isn't going to like it, but if you stick to it and are consistent, you should start seeing some positive results in a week or two... depending on how stubborn he is.
As for the actual sleep side of things, as you might guess from my schedule, I follow the Babywise/ Baby Whisperer pattern of Eat, Awake, Sleep -- this is an important order to help him learn to sleep independently. If eating is the precursor to sleeping, then he gets to the point of needing to be fed to go to sleep. It becomes a crutch. Rocking him is also a crutch, as I suppose you've already realized, which is why you're asking for help. Rocking, in itself, is not a bad thing, to help him calm down and get ready for sleep. But the key is going to be not rocking him to sleep, just to calm & soothe, then putting him in his bed when he is drowsy and calm, but still awake. He will fuss about this, you've already said he does, but that fussing and crying is not necessarily a bad thing. It is allowing him to decompress from all the stimuli he has been encountering while he is awake -- all he sees, feels, hears, tastes, etc.
Babies need to be able to "blow off some steam" so they can turn off and go to sleep. So even working himself up to screaming isn't a horrible thing in the grand scheme of things. My son has definitely had some of those moments. Now, that being said, I would never let my kids scream for hours. I hate that everyone assumes that's what it means to "cry it out" so I don't use that phrase. I call what I do the "20 minute rule" -- giving them 20 (or so) minutes to fuss, cry, scream, wiggle, grunt, groan, do whatever they need to do to decompress. Sometimes, it takes more than 20 minutes, depending on what has preceded the sleep time. Is he overstimulated? Was there a lot going on around him prior to laying him down? Has he been awake too long? Is he uncomfortable? (gas/ teeth/ etc) I definitely find that when my son gets over tired (I'm not paying attention to the time, or we are out somewhere and I can't control the situation), he takes much longer to settle down and sometimes needs some help, like rocking, patting, occasionally nursing (if it’s close to the right time frame). So I'm not saying these aren't useful tools, they just shouldn't be the norm.
Here's the synopsis of what I'm trying to say:
Step 1: get his feeds onto a regular, consistent, more spread out schedule of every 3-4 hours. Maybe start by being consistent with 2.5-3 to start, and gradually stretch it out, as your schedule gets more solidified.
Step 2: begin the process of helping him learn independent sleep by putting him down before he is cranky, when he is just beginning to show signs of tiredness, around 1 to 1 1/2 hours after he wakes. Take him into his room, sit with him in the dark, and the quiet, talk to him gently, telling him that it’s time for sleep, and that you know he can do this. Acknowledge to him that it will be hard (for both of you) but that you love him and that you will not be far away. (How much of this he actually understands doesn't matter, it’s the soothing sound of your voice, and it’s a pep talk for you too). When he is calm and relaxed and drowsy, maybe sing him a song (I sing "Jesus Loves Me" to all my kids) and then gently, quietly, calmly lay him down in his crib. Give him a quick pat or rub on his back, and then quickly and quietly leave the room and close the door.
Set a timer for 20 minutes. You will not believe how long 20 minutes feels... you will be sure it’s been at least 20 minutes and want to rush in and save him, and then you will realize it’s been 7 minutes. 20 minutes will not damage him; he will not remember in the morning and hate you for it. He will not feel like you have abandoned him. These are grown-up emotions. Babies do not have these emotions yet. But don't go too far away... keep an ear out for his cries. He may start off fighting mad screaming and then eventually taper down to crying then settle. He may start slowly and work his way up to screaming mad. He may have a couple stops and starts, he may have a couple escalations. Any or all of these are totally normal and very okay. But if you hear a very distinct change, and it’s a concerning sound, don't hesitate to investigate. There was once that my daughter got her leg stuck between the slats of the crib and then rolled over so it was really, really stuck, and I could tell right away that she was in pain. It just sounds different. And with my youngest son, I can tell when he's pooped and he gets mad that his diaper is dirty. So there are reasons to go in.
If you get to the end of 20 minutes and there is no change in crying/ screaming, you can go in, give him some reassurance by patting/ rubbing his back, gentle shushing, or speaking gently to him that it’s okay. Try not to pick him up if you can help it. Once he is somewhat settled, go back out and start the 20 minutes again. It may take a couple times, especially at first, because he is older, and you've been doing it differently for 9 months... he's bound to be mad about the change. But he will eventually give up and go to sleep, and I bet he will sleep longer and harder than he has before. It will be tiring for you, but stick with it. If you do the same thing every time you lay him down, for naps and bedtime, he will begin to understand that this is the new "normal" and it will start taking less and less time for him to settle.
Thank you so much!! I am going to try it. I think also too a huge thing for us is that I work 4 days a week so those 4 days he is at my mom’s house until 8pm. Do you have any advice for keeping him on a schedule even when he's with her?
Yes, it’s definitely important to keep the same routine as much as possible throughout the week. As you start to figure out a routine, start writing it down. Share it with your mom and ask her to stick to is as best she can. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with her, but I know with my mom, her goal is to support what we choose to do as parents as best she can, even if it’s not the way she did it raising us... Probably the easiest thing to do for now is plan your schedule to have your son's bedtime be 8:30-9pm, to ensure that it’s not too much of difference when you are coming from your mom's. Do you work 4 days in a row, or spread out? For starting out, it would be helpful if you were able to get 2 or 3 days in a row where you are the one setting the schedule, before leaving him with your mom, but if that's not possible, just do the best you can... it may take longer for him to get into a new routine, if it’s not the same every day, but he will get it.
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